Why I need a shrinking-ray-gun

I need a shrinking ray gun because it would solve lots of problems we all face.

The first problem that could be solved using a (fully reversible) shrinking ray gun is car parking. If you could shrink down your car as soon as you got out of it and put it in your pocket you’d never need to pay for parking and the land could be used for better purposes. You’d never forget where you left your car (as long as it didn’t fall out of your pocket) and you’d even be able to take it on a plane with you and have the pleasure of driving your own car in another country rather that hiring one.

It would be advisable to keep your car in a different pocket from your car keys in case of pickpockets, but criminals will find a way whatever, so better be on your guard!

It would be great to be able to shrink all the clutter that we accumulate but don’t want to get rid of. Want to keep all your school books but don’t have room? Just shrink them down to fit in a matchbox and your storage woes are a thing of the past.

Are you too big to comfortably fit in an aeroplane seat? Shrink yourself before the flight and enjoy all that extra leg room. Just be aware you may no longer be able to reach the overhead lockers.

I realise this post is turning into a QVC-style advert for a product that doesn’t exist, but wouldn’t it be great to have a shrinking-ray-gun?

In the interests of fairness I suppose I ought to  argue against the ray-gun as well. So here are some points against it.

1) There’s almost certainly some health risk involved with shrinking human beings. (I take no responsibility for any shrinking-related illness or injury.)

2) As I already mentioned, it’s easy to lose small things.

3) If no one provides any parking then people will stop by the side of the road to shrink their cars, probably stopping in unsuitable places to do so and causing severe congestion.

4) Sparrowgrass’s First law of handbags states that the clutter carried will expand to fill the space available. If you shrink things you will just carry more and more and more clutter with you everyday (because there is more space available) and realistically you just don’t need it and it will prevent you from finding the things that you do need. We’ve all seen someone upend their handbag to find keys/lipstick/phone, etc., but think how much worse it could be if half the things they owned were in that bag, shrunk down.

To conclude, I would champion the invention of a ray-gun, but I think the company that produces it will need some good lawyers and we’ll all need to treat the invention with a good bit of common sense.

So, what other new gadgets do we need in our lives?

Image: PANPOTE / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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3 thoughts on “Why I need a shrinking-ray-gun

  1. Julie says:

    Would the things you shrink still weigh the same as before? If so, your handbag is going to get really heavy.

  2. Sparrowgrass says:

    That depends on whether you buy the deluxe version or standard. If you want to shrink a car, I suggest deluxe!

  3. A Distant Relative says:

    What precautions could we take to ensure that this weapon does not fall into the hands of unscrupulous, semi-certified shrinks?
    More positively: might it be helpful for shrinking violets?
    With the soon to be announced, New-Super-Improved For-Politicians-Only version, Will transmutation of gold into something more useful (like garlic bread) be possible ?
    I am off-planet. Can I reclaim VAT? Also, I note that batteries are not included.
    Is it true that the standard version will run off two wet wires poked into a sweet potato?
    How soon will the version which runs off a 12 volt car socket be available?
    How have you ensured that the device itself is not shrunk at the same time as the car?
    On a less discordant note and on a totally unrelated tack:
    You are well-known for your nondiscriminatory evenhandedness. How might we generate more publicity and better understanding for the *heavy* bulb to counteract the almost extra-universal coverage afforded its less gravitationally-challenged sister?
    I’m sorry to burden you with all of these questions but I’ve got so much to do and so little time that I felt the need for some space-saving-time-wasting diversions.
    It is a well-known fact that shrinking an object is an almost trivial exercise – relatively easily achieved by accelerating the target object to within an inch of the speed of life whilst ensuring that no fly enters the force field. The Lorentz-FitzGerald Contraction then does the job for you. (NB Do not confuse with Braxton-Hicks Contractions.)
    The tricky bit (as you are no doubt aware) is in bringing the object back down to a resonable relative velocity without it coming back to earth with a jerk.
    I would be most interested in how you achieve this as I am engaged in parallel, related research in a universe not too far distant. I have so far concentrated on the time component of the space-time continuum with some success in one direction –
    ie stretching out almost infinitely the time initially alloted to a particular task.
    You will surely have heard of my pier-evaluated, double-blinder experiment which proved conclusively that if it takes one woman 28 minutes to complete a practical task then 28 men can often complete the same task in just over 28 days.
    Should you be interested in collaborating in a joint research project, I might be willing to volunteer as your first human guinea pig – extracurricular activities permitting and, of course, subject to the usual assurances that both of your ferocious felines would be excluded from the laboratory until I had returned to somewhere near normal size.
    Wormhole permitting, I look backwards to hearing from you in the emptiness of space.

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