Warning – this is a frivolous post and the management takes no responsibility for any injury or ridicule sustained as a result of following the advice below. If on the other hand you find the apocalypse uncomfortable as a result of ignoring this advice, please feel free to remind yourself that I told you so.
I just read a post by one of my favourite bloggers, Girl on the Contrary, who was considering the perfect outfit for any kind of apocalypse. This inspired me to consider my own outfit for the occasion. Please remember that when the world is ending you will be sorry you don’t look as oddly dressed as me.
I believe the best hat will be one I have just invented which combines a basic horse-riding helmet with a camouflage beekeeper’s veil that can be rolled down to cover the entire body, affording protection from insects, blows to the head and unfriendly eyes. Ideally this should also be waterproof and windproof.
Right hand: Knuckleduster – bound to come in handy.
Left hand: Elbow-length thick leather gauntlet for pulling people out of fires/through broken glass, reaching into thick thorns, etc.
String vest. A string vest keeps you very warm considering how little weight there is to it and can also be used to catch fish.
Chest armour. As your chest contains lots of important stuff I think a little armour cannot fail to be useful here. I am not a fan of chain mail (too heavy), plate armour (even heavier) or flak jackets (too bulky) so I recommend the highest-impact sports bra you can find.
Coat. Ideally this should be the one item that brings the outfit together, so try to make this a stylish yet practical design. Pockets are essential because you are bound to lose your luggage (unless by some chance it is made of sapient pearwood). Your coat needs to keep you warm and dry without being too heavy and bulky to take off and tie round your waist or carry easily. Good luck finding that in TKMaxx.
Jodhpurs. This is a simple choice for me as few other trouser designs fit me as well. Also they are hard-wearing and suitable for riding horses 🙂
Many layers of petticoats. My research suggests these are essential in all adventure situations for tearing up as bandages. If used in sufficient quantities may even cushion falls/impacts.
In the pulling-people-out-of-buildings scenario I will obviously want to be wearing steel toe capped boots but they are not the best for running-away scenarios, so I will be wearing a steel toe capped boot on my right foot and a running trainer on my left foot. As my right foot is dominant this will mean in a fight I am kicking with my well-booted foot. Also, in damp conditions where I want to keep my trainered left foot dry, my right foot is my foot of choice for hopping.