Alternative biogs

In her early years Sparrowgrass was home-schooled on the fringes of the Hundred Acre Wood. She then spent a little over a year at Mallory Towers before being expelled following an incident in which she conjured Lethe water to fill the natural outdoor swimming pool and turned it a fetching brown with orange highlights (to match the uniform).

Her next two terms were spent at Hogwarts, where she was awarded the Ravenclaw lower-school prize for inventive spell-making and politely asked to leave, both as a result of the same incident which Prof. Dumbledore has requested remains undisclosed.

It was decided that she might best be moved to 12 B, Chrestomanci Castle to continue her studies in a controlled environment. She remained there for many years until she decided to apply for a vacancy as a teacher at the Chalet School. Unfortunately the strength of her magic was not enough to count against her insufficient knowledge of languages and etiquette and her inability to avoid slang. Her disappointment at another’s appointment was such that she departed to travel the related worlds and get to know her various doubles therein.

Recently she returned to this world to take early retirement and grow vegetables. These days she mostly uses her wand (cedar wood with a sphinx-hair core) as a dibber, or to scratch under her cats’ chins without moving.

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Since 1653 Sparrowgrass has been impersonating a human being. Her hobbies include alchemy, breeding bats and painting by numbers. Despite her longevity she has somehow missed out on all the major events of the centuries and has led a very boring life. She lives in hope of finding like-minded multi-centenarians for fun, friendship and maybe more…

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Res Gestae Divi Sparrowgrass (Extract, with apologies to Augustus and the owner of this site)

At the age of nineteen, on my own initiative and largely at my own expense, I raised an army by means of which I failed to restore liberty to anywhere, despite having attracted substantial investment from Dragons’ Den and gathering advice from The Apprentice team. For which service the senate, with complimentary resolutions, enrolled me in the Big Brother House, in the consulship of Davina McCall, giving me at the same time consular precedence in voting; it also gave me the shopping budget. In the same year, moreover, as one judge had fallen in the war against mature women on television, the people elected me Strictly Come Dancing Champion and a triumvir for settling the constitution of the people (with Gillian McKeith and Jamie Oliver)

Campaigns, both civil and foreign, I undertook throughout the world, on sea and land, and when victorious I spared all citizens who sued. The foreign nations which could with safety be pardoned I preferred to save rather than to destroy. The number of paparazzi who bound themselves to me by military oath was about 500,000. Of these I settled in magazines or sent back into their own towns, after their term of service, something more than 300,000, and to all I assigned signed photos, or gave money as a reward for their silence. I captured six-hundred un-airbrushed pictures, over and above those in which images of myself were smaller than triremes.

While I was administering my thirteenth I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here! the senate and the equestrian order and the entire staff of the BBC gave me the title of Celebrity of the Year and decreed that this title should be inscribed upon the vestibule of my house and in the senate-house and in the online forum beneath the quadriga erected in my honour by decree of the senate. At the time of writing this I was in my seventy-sixth year.

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Sparrowgrass was born in 1981 which was a great surprise to her, but less of one to her parents who had been expecting something of the sort for quite some time. Ever since this experience she has suffered from a fear of being the last to know.

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Sparrowgrass was born and raised in a well-known travelling circus. Despite an impressive early talent for selling cheap tat from a tray she was temperamentally unsuited to the circus and ran away to join the library.

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